Forget Kanye

There has been much news made lately about Kanye West and his new look alike. I hate to take the steam out of this guy's fifteen but, he has nothing on Joe Miller's look a like.

I mean SERIOUSLY.....

That hair is Classic Phil.

Prison Break

Phone:
Ring, ring, ring....

Me:
Hello?

Random Lady:
Hello?

Dogs:
Woooooffffff! Woooff! Wooffff!

Random Lady:
Ummmm do you own two dogs, like pit bull mixes, that look alike...?

Me:
Are they black, with white stripes.....and none too quick on the up take?

Random Lady:
Yes.

Me:
Those are my mutts!

Random Lady:
Do you know where they are?

Dogs:
Wooooooffffffffff!!!!!!!

Me:
Ummmm, with you?

Random Lady:
Yes.

Me:
Oh lordy....


Random Lady:
Oh, they aren't causing mischief or lighting abandon cars on fire or anything. They are just happily wandering around.

Me:
Of course they are, they are On The Lam (inside voice)

Random Lady:
We are in Southernville neighborhood.

Me:
I'll be right there....

Dogs:
Woooooffffff!!!! Woff, wooooooffffff!!!!


Apparently all the time I have spent both putting and keeping people in confinement has taught me nothing.

You get a car, you get a car, you get a car!!!

I got a car, though sadly it wasn't from Oprah.

More correctly I should say, I got a truck. You see The Lucky Lady and I want to have children and we started feeling like we needed an appropriate transport container for said offspring (not that there are any buns currently in the oven). Also, we have dogs.... and they are stinky, the likes of which only the inside of a pound can surmount. (Although sometimes stench is a desirable trait, like in tofu.)

We decide on a Crewmax Toyota Tundra standard equipped with awesomeness and a sunroof.

The one we got kinda looks like this....

Except more awesome and less blossom.


Now that I have been cruisin' around in the bruiser for a few days I have started thinking, "Is there ANY other vehicle that I would want to drive? Should I have paid this much? Do I have buyer's remorse??"

We are gonna Tarantino this, so hang on because the answer is coming first.

No, I would not want to drive anything else.

Alright, let's rewind to the beginning of our caper.....




Being young and progressive and such I thought first and foremost about the planet and not wanting my children to bake to death from global warming (not that it exists). Also I wanted to be you know cool, no doubt too much so for school. Lastly, I wanted to be safe. There is nothing like being forever disabled in a car accident to give one a bad case of PTSD. And boy howdy, do I pee my pants on a regular basis on the road.

First I thought about an electric car....

But I'm 6'04'', The Lucky Lady is 6'00". And, where would The Dogs go? (Perhaps more apropos, where would their stinkiness go?) Also the death trap nature of these little rascals makes me queasy.

Then I though about a nice soccer mom SUV....

But The Dogs, with Their Stench, and Their Dirt.......


So, we settled on a truck. It's like a transport container conveniently equipped with with two separate transport zones, one for stinky things and one for human things.

Initially we looked at new trucks because they were new and shiny and NOT STINKY. But as we progressed along the path towards the American Dream (of being steeped in debt for the rest of our lives) we began to realize that we just didn't want anything so bad as to make ginormous payments for years on end. We soon began to abandon the idea of owning a nice car. I again became satisfied with driving a small sedan and I even convinced myself that a greater being, who may or not exist, would keep me from dying.

Then one day, the stars aligned as I was perusing the all consuming consumer resource made by none other than Craig himself. And, there she was justa walkin' down the street. (Sing it with me!) A perfect, barely used version of the truck we wanted but for much less of The Money. You can guess how the story went from here but suffice it to say there was much begging and promising to eat at home every night for the rest of my life. I think I even used the "It-just-followed-me-home,-can-I-keep-it?-I-promise-to-feed-it-and-take-it-for-walks-and-pickup-after-it" routine at one point.

I guess these baby blues are just too hard to say no to.

Thanks Honey!

(Also, if you are reading this... Can we go to Moose's Tooth for dinner tonight?)

Can you see me now?

Note how much LARGER the verification code is than the text that indicates the 'vision impared link' (that will play an audio version of the verification code). How would a person that couldn't read The Code be able to find the audio button??

I swear it's like I'm the only person that sees this stuff....

Edward Scissor Belt

And so it begins.

Once upon a time there was a boy who grew up to become a strong and dashingly handsome cop. The hero of our story was sitting in his car one day minding his own business when another person drove into him at 70 MPH. The young cop was hurt badly. Try and try as he might he could not get better. Eventually he had to leave his career and move on to bigger and better things, like being a kept man.

This young cop is me.

This blog is a creative outlet designed to be funny and a bit serious. It is very important to not confuse the latter with the former. If you do, you will be offended.

Take for example this guy..........

Now, I look at this and I see a dude with a scissor holster that matches his belt AND his cell phone holder. I think that's hilarious. Because really what the heck would you NEED that for? Nothing! The only thing I can come up with is that he needs it to trim his mustache. You know, in case one of the hairs goes rogue and starts a mustache revolt of epic proportion the likes of which we haven't see since the great Thomas Selleck debacle of 1989.

See, in reality I understand that this guy is likely an electrician and he just likes to carry his scissors around (Even to Sunday brunch, which also makes me realize he carried these things TO CHURCH. Maybe he needed to strip wires for the Lord? Can I get an Amen??). But to me it is much more fun to look at the situation from the outside and comment on how ridiculous it is. It's all in good fun though. I'll even give my self an old fashioned 1950's fraternity style razzing from time to time. Because, I'm redonkulous and it's funny.

So be offended not ye ol' blogosphere the jousting here is fake like a renaissance fair and all centaurs impersonators are welcome.